two months.

clementine is two months already {what!?}. however, turner syndrome is proving to be a bit of a bonus because she's kind of like a newborn for a little longer.  she weighs nine pounds six ounces (seventh percentile for ts) and is 20.5 inches (one percentile for ts).  she's my little bit, but she's chunking out...cause that's how we barton's grow our babies. 

there have been several doctors appointments since her birth- most of which included a blood draw. they probably average one a week. i'm bored with it already. i think we've had to go to the doctor with her more in her two short months of life than we've ever been with the boys.  i get that it's necessary, but going to the doctor and going through the undressing and weighing and blood draws and examining and tests....well, it just get's old. for me and for her.  she continues to defy the odds. her body is amazing and even though we have some issues, it really isn't as bad as it could be. and for that i thank god. he knows i wouldn't be able to deal with more than what he's given us so far. 

she still has a really great disposition. i haven't really paid much attention to any kind of schedule she may be getting herself into other than starting at about five in the evenings she is constantly nursing, fussing, or taking a cat nap. and for heaven's sake do not put her down. and then, around nine o'clock, it's bedtime. she just passes out cold. 

below are a couple 'outtakes' from her little photoshoot. 

^^falling slowly....^^

*****

and here's a side by side comparison

that's all for tonight.  sorry for the trainwreck of forming an easy to read post. gah. even that didn't make sense.  my brain is all over the place these days. :) 

a whole lotta love over here

 ^^she was annoyed with me for wanting a photo with her...i'm not sorry^^

^^this boy is ridiculously in love with this girl.^^

we said 'good-bye' to our obnoxious and annoying pet rabbit last week. being that i was the only one who took care of him and clementine has priority, we decided to take it back to the pet store. roman was only a little broken up over it. not near as bad as i thought he'd be. i think suggesting a photo to preserve the memory softened the heartache a bit.  plus i hear scooter already has a wife with gorgeous beady red eyes. lucky rabbit. 

happy thursday!

one month.

i just posted her birth story {here and here} and she's already a month old. where did the time go?! what an easy baby she is. the only thing i think she dislikes is getting undressed. other than that she is happy and healthy. oh how we love you clementine! 

Clementine Eulalie ::a birth story::

part two.

{photo by haleigh steere}

i rolled over and peered at the clock. 4:53am. i scolded my body for not allowing me those seven extra minutes of sleep, but i was wide awake anticipating the day. my girls birth day. i laid in bed until the alarm went off and jeff got up. i took note that everything i did on this day would be the last time i'd ever do it while pregnant; forcing myself out of bed with a very round belly, the pain of my loosened joints and the weight of my girl, feeling her triple sowcow inside of me. there are some not so great things about pregnancy as well. for example, the slight growth of my nose from the extra fluid and the only comfortable thing to wear being leggings or my favorite black and white striped skirt. oh, and the feeling of running a marathon after going up a flight or stairs. i probably wont miss those things.  

i dressed for the day in said leggings, a tank top and a too-short-to-wear-at-37-weeks-pregnant sweater, applied my make-up and packed up the car. i looked around one last time and marveled at the fact that when we would return, there would be five of us. 

our drive to des moines felt surreal.  we were going to have a baby in a matter of hours but i wasn't in labor. that was a bizarre concept for me to grasp. jeff and i talked about what we were anticipating happening, praying that this sweet life wouldn't need nicu care or surgery or anything we were told could be a possibility.  

we arrived at the hospital, parked, and headed up to the labor and delivery floor to check in. once all the paper work was done we were taken to a pre/post- op room where i 'gowned up' and my nurse started poking me and strapping me to monitors and asking questions and giving me more papers to sign.  once i was all set we waited until the doctor came in and said it was time and he'd see us in a few minutes.

 {photo by haleigh steere}

 {photo by haleigh steere}

large amounts of antacids are disgusting. 
{photo: haleigh steere}

c-sections are no fun. i'm baffled at those to elect this procedure over natural. the recovery, for me at least, is brutal. and the tugging and pressure and pulling during the whole thing is terribly uncomfortable. but when i hear her cry...oh her precious first cries were amazing. i immediately started crying and then an emotion i wasn't expecting washed over me. i wasn't ready to see her. i was nervous about what she would look like, thinking she wouldn't look the way she should. i didn't mind them taking their time to assess her and i was a little jealous that jeff was at her side, only because i couldn't tell him how i was feeling.  i had to face this embarrassing fear alone. and then jeff brought her to me and i noticed her chubby little hand sticking out of the blanket and her beautiful swollen little face and i died.  girl looks like roman's twin. seriously.  we're a month in and sometimes i need to remind myself she is a she and not roman.

after spending a few moments with her and a chat with the nicu doctor, they took her to the regular nursery to finish their assessment. my doctor finished patching me up and i was wheeled back into my recovery room. so, all i did for this delivery was lay on a table and post op felt as though i had been through labor as well. i was exhausted. all i wanted was sleep...and to stop involuntarily shivering...mostly so i could relax and sleep. a couple nurses brought clementine back to me within an hour and we nursed. and it was perfect...aside from all the cords hooked up to me. that made it a bit awkward and i needed extra hands, but she nursed perfectly. after our little bonding the nurses took her back to the nursery...i think. i remember they took her away again, and jeff went with them, again, but i don't remember why. i was so groggy and tired.

{photos by haleigh steere}

it took a while, but once i was able to move my legs a little bit i was transferred to our post-partum room. it's odd how the hospital is set up. labor and delivery on the third floor, nciu on the fourth and post delivery on the second. i find it hilarious the way they took me down to our room.  it was this device that acted like a hammock. i was rolled onto it and then lifted up and wheeled to an elevator and to our room, then lowered down.  pretty handy piece of equipment.  we then began our four day hospital stay.

clementine went through a morning of tests the day after her birth. so much so she was exhausted and barely nursed the rest of the day. i am so proud of how well she did. we chatted with the pediatricians about the results of her tests and one of them even wanted to take photos of her to be able to teach his students about TS and also that they are not just a statistic. i was reluctant to consent because selfishly i didn't want my daughter to be a teaching tool-it was too painful, but jeff had no issue with it as long as it was to enlighten others. in the end, it never happened, and i'm grateful for that.

 jeff went home saturday morning to pick up the boys and i convinced my sweet friend haleigh to come stay the night with me. i didn't want to be alone. luckily she's awesome  and we had a slumber party and snuggled my girl in my double bed and watched movies. there ended up being some issues with clementine losing too much weight and i was so emotional about having to supplement her. i began pumping after i nursed her but still ended up needing to give her a bit of formula. thankfully haleigh was there to help me get through that because i was a mess over it. and my supply came in as soon as we arrived home, so the need for supplementing was no longer necessary.

the boys came to visit with jeff's parents saturday as well. i was able to see them briefly and could tell they wanted to be home and they missed jeff and me. i was ready to go home then, but because of clementine's weight we had to stay until sunday, and clementine almost had to stay until monday, but the pediatrician felt we were competent parents and would do what we could to get her weight back up and he okay'd us to go home sunday. all we needed to do was have a follow up appointment to have her weighed.

sunday finally arrived and i was aching to go home and be with my boys. haleigh left mid morning and it was just me and my girl. because of her weight and early delivery, clementine needed to go through what's called the car seat test. all that's involved in that one is she is buckled into her car seat for ninety minutes -i know, long right?- while hooked up to monitors to make sure she doesn't stop breathing. due to the incline of the car seat and her size, it's somewhat common for that to happen (mostly to premature babies, though). once again she passed with flying colors and we waited to be discharged. my dad picked us up and took us home and roman was ready to hold his baby sister immediately. it was a precious sight.

we are in love with this precious gift.

{photo: haleigh steere}

Clementine Eulalie ::a birth story::

part one.

here we are, the week of valentine's day, and i'm just now getting my crap together long enough to write the story of my daughters birth.  in a way, it feels silly writing about a scheduled c-section, seeing as how it's more 'predictable,' but there were still so many emotions involved and i don't want to forget how far we've come on our journey to meet this precious life.  

two weeks before her birth i went all nesting-on-crack on everyone.  in that span of time i sought out, found and purchased a dresser for her room. sanded, primed, painted and chevroned said dresser with the help of a great friend {whom without i'm positive it wouldn't have turned out as amazing as it did, or even gotten done. thanks beth! xo}, found a crib on craigslist and went to pick it up with another great friend on our way to supper in des moines, put the crib together by myself that night, purchased a mattress the next day as well as  fabric for crib sheets. made yet another great friend sew three crib sheets for me, i made eight burp cloths, went shopping for nursery wall decor, found some cute wooden birds and modge podged scrapbook paper on them, bought more fabric and sewed a couple gauze swaddle blankets...and made a feather stamp from a potato and stamped one of them.  

exhale. 

i think that covers most of it.  there's nothing like a deadline to get you motivated. her room is still not completely done, though. i'm not entirely satisfied with the wall decor so i'll be adding to it here and there. plus her windows are begging for some curtains. good thing she doesn't sleep in there yet. :) 

fast forward to january 23rd.  coming off of four hours of sleep the previous night, you'd think i would have been tired.  i was. i let the boys watch a little too much kipper the dog that morning so i could rest on the couch. don't worry, they didn't mind.  and as soon as i got my butt up i made sure to take special notice of the little things the boys did because this was my last day with just them.  it was an ordinary day. we ran last minute errands, ate lunch, took naps, pitched fits and packed bags. but at the same time it wasn't ordinary. it was the last day of this particular routine. we had been counting down the days to their sleepover at grandma's house and talking about how mommy will be in the hospital for a few days and won't be able to see them {flu policy at the hospital, thank goodness for face time...i missed them like crazy!} and while roman understood for the most part, i was hoping viggo would have a roll with it kind of disposition.  leaving them made me nervous. not because we were just leaving them for an overnight with the grandparents, but because when we reconnected, life would be different. good different, but different nonetheless.  

that evening we loaded all the boys' stuff up in the van and met jeff's parents at el azteca for a celebratory supper.  afterwards we all headed to jeff's parents house and hung out there for a little bit.  i was trying to soak in every last second with my boys.  we switched car seats out and i went through our nightly oiling of the feet with jeff's mom.  roman and viggo had gotten small colds earlier that week so i had brought every essential oil cindy could possibly need...with instructions on use, of course.  we had been praying hard against illness {specifically the flu} in the weeks prior to this moment, so i was on high alert with the defenses.  around the boys bedtime jeff and i hugged and kissed them a little extra, and took on last family photo of just the four of us, and hugged and kissed a little more, then we were off.  when we got home i sat in our empty home marveling at the fact that we were hours away from meeting this new life. a new life that, at several points along the way, we were sure we wouldn't get to meet until heaven. we packed our bags for the hospital and jeff went to bed.  i tried falling asleep, but i was consumed with thought. it took more than an hour for sleep to finally make its appearance. and then i was up before the alarm.  

another week to wait.

just stopping by to let you all in on how our appointment went today. the answer is eventful and full of emotion. at each appointment from here on out i undergo a non stress test and ultrasound. the nst is boring and i'm not sure why they feel the need to perform it each and every week, but nonetheless it happens.

 today's ultrasound showed more swelling than last week. long, emotional story short we had initially scheduled a c-section for thursday, january third.  but due to the other doctors opinion it was canceled because our girl's heart is strong. today i was given shot one (of two) of steroid "mature baby's lungs." I will receive the second dose tomorrow evening.  the reasoning is should she be arriving in the 34th week, or anytime before 37 weeks they wont have to worry about her lungs being underdeveloped. i was told there are no side effects to either of us from this steroid....except the large amount of pain i have in my butt.  because why not use that part of the body for this injection.  

ahem.

so, here we are again. waiting another week (which i'm beyond thankful to have another week to figure out the logistics of everything).  we don't know what we'll see next friday, but jeff and i have a feeling our girl will be with us the first week in january.  the doctors don't know what's causing the swelling or why it's concentrated in the lower half of her body, but they are worried about hydrops which is the reasoning for the steroid injection. you know. just in case. 

i am looking forward to a quiet weekend with my under the weather boys.  i have never craved them like i do now. hoping your weekend is lovely too!

*again, sorry for the lack of photos. still haven't taken the time to figure that out. and my header photo is a little outdated as well...things to do!*

just popping in

whoa. hey life, can you calm down just a little? between doctor appointments, finishing up christmas shopping {and wrapping!}, and day to day tasks with a two and four year old, my days have merged with the next and time is slipping out of my grasp. and then add pregnancy brain on top of that. it's fun over here. speaking of christmas, tomorrow is christmas eve already! what?! i cannot wait to wake up on christmas morning with my littles and watch them unwrap their gifts, and have a christmas breakfast {still need to figure that out}, beginning holiday traditions with the boys, and spend the day with extended family. this year, thanks to pinterest, i'm starting a christmas eve surprise box tradition.   i've filled a box, wrapped of course, with new jammies for each boy, a board game, a new christmas book, and other odds and ends.  how fun it will be to come home from church tomorrow night and have this big box for them to open. and what's more fun than opening a box filled with goodies to unwrap!?  unwrapping is the best part.  i plan on wrapping all their stocking stuffers as well because it's just that fun.  eeep! so excited!

next order of business...

we have figured out a way to keep viggo from tearing off his diaper during nap and bedtime. packaging tape.  it's become routine in my home at nap and bed time to secure viggo's diaper with clear packaging tape. wrapped all the way around him. viggo actually thinks it's awesome. he loves having it done and cooperates so well, usually smiling and watching us as we do it.  he loves tape, so i can only imagine his excitement to be able to wear the stuff all night long.  and mama does just a little less laundry. win-win.

roman has adjusted to being four quite well.  now that he's four he is just more capable...i guess. so he says.  everything he can do now is because he's four. whether it's getting himself dressed, eating a certain number of bites of food at meals, jumping off the couch. you know. four year old things.  it's pretty fun so far.

and in sister news, whom i now like to call our little snow bunny, a few developments have emerged. first of all, the name we chose for her has been claimed by another family we know {we did not tell our name to said family, so they have no idea}, and now we are looking for another name.  it's difficult to unattach yourself to a name you've been calling your child for the last several months, but this family also has a son named something close to roman, and i just can't have it.  it would just be too weird for me. we're pretty sure we've landed another first name, but now to string it to a middle name.

we also had a doctor appointment this past friday. in the two and a half weeks from our last appointment, sister went from two pounds three ounces to three pounds eight ounces {i'm glad all that extra eating i've been doing has been worth it!} but has also developed some swelling in the lower half of her body. legs, hips, & feet.  we don't know what's causing it but it's something that needs to be watched closely. i will start weekly appointments from here until the end of the pregnancy which, we learned, could be sooner than later.  if friday's appointment shows more swelling, due to the risk of hydrops occurring,  i will be given a round of steroid shots {two total in 24 hours} to mature her lungs enough for survival outside. usually delivery happens a few days after the steroid is given, which means sister could be coming shortly after new years. so... there's that. there is now a heightened sense of 'oh crap we've got to get things FIG-URED OUT!'  of course, there is also the chance that the swelling could stay the same or go down, and in either case would not merit immanent arrival of baby. which would be great. but whatever God wants to do is fine with me. i just hope he helps figure out the logistics of me being in dsm with snow bunny and jeff and the boys being at home, with jeff going to work at four in the morning.  i believe we will need a live-in for a while.  but we can't really plan anything until we know more on friday.  so we wait...some more.  and while we wait we will enjoy celebrating the birth of our savior. thank goodness for hope.

i sure hope your have the merriest christmas!

xo

stream of consciousness

my mind is a mess of thoughts. there are so many things i want to share with you all, however, i am unable to string it all together in a way that would make sense. so my remedy for that will be to give you bits and pieces of everything that's been going on with us lately. 

*****

i can't post photos on this here blog anymore without, apparently, buying more storage space. and due to my lack of knowledge in the realm of everything that has to do with blogging, i don't know if it's something that can be fixed without actually purchasing more or what. and also, my computer is a piece of crap...that i rarely have anymore since jeff needs to use it for work now. if anyone's wondering, he and i would both love a mac. just throwing that out there. 

*****

this is going to be so boring without photos. 

*****

roman turned four. four! i'm not sad about it. three was a very trying year for both he and i, and i couldn't be happier it's over. sounds awful, but let's just say we both learned a little more about pushing boundaries with each other. 

i'm so excited for his fourth year of life. he is one hilarious kid who loves star wars and acting out the scenes with his brother. he has a tender heart and still asks to snuggle with me quite often. i don't hate it.  i can see how he is figuring out this coming-into-your-own thing.  and one thing is for sure. you get him around his friends and all of a sudden he comes alive in a completely different way than at home with me. it's so awesome. 

*****

i've been wanting to learn something new for a while now. to challenge my brain in a way that's not related to supper plans. i need to learn how to use my camera and i'd love to learn photoshop and illustrator. anyone willing to teach me?

*****

viggo is a little nudist. he undresses himself two to three times a day- typically at nap and bed time. every night before i turn in it's become routine for me to check on him and make sure he's not sans clothes. during the day is when he likes to remove his diaper from time to time as well. 

i love his age. two has to be my favorite age. still baby enough yet old enough. just the right balance. and the talking. for goodness sakes how i melt whenever he talks. everything he says is so delicious and i could just listen to him all day long. 

*****

we are 30 weeks into the pregnancy with Sister. 30 weeks already. this is fantastic news. it's no secret i am not an i-love-being-pregnant kind of gal. in fact, and it's taken me a while to accept this but, it is one of my least favorite things.  and to know that we are two short months away from being done forever? well, i would do a cartwheel if i could. that's not to say i am not incredibly thankful for the ability to get pregnant easily and enjoy the blessings of my children. but it is literally my least favorite thing. i don't want it to be, but it is. 

now with all that said, we had an ultrasound yesterday and yay for good news!

here's the run down: she weighs two pounds and three ounces. hello small one. our dr. guesstimated her birth weight to be in the five pound range. roman was six pounds fifteen ounces and i felt like he was the smallest ever, so, five pounds will be weird. i literally went into my kitchen and found our five pound sack of flour and held it for a minute or two.  we also learned that one of her kidneys is larger than the other. we don't know why or if it will correct itself, but they'll monitor it and if it ends up not working at all, as long as her other one works fine (which it appears to be doing) there's no need to worry too much about it. people live with one kidney all the time.  our dr. didn't mention any concern about her heart this time and the hygroma is tiny. you actually have to search for it now. and the fluid around her skull is gone. can i get a woot woot!? this is great news. she is our little miracle. 

as far as delivery goes, obviously the longer she can bake the better, however if there are no complications between now and her due date we're most likely looking at 38 or 39 weeks for her arrival. that would put her making her appearance the first week of february. i have two months left, at best. enter time to get my butt in gear. there are freezer meals to be made, clothes, shoes and accessories to buy, a nursery to prepare. nesting hasn't kicked in yet, so i apparently feel as though i have ample time to accomplish such enormous tasks. 

we are so excited to meet her. from her ultrasound photos she is the cutest little thing ever. she is a feisty thing with the crazy amounts of triple sow cowing she does.

in conclusion, there are three things that make me very, very, very happy. one: ice. i'm not exaggerating when i say i buy 15 pounds of artic blast ice from swift stop every two weeks or less. jeff told me this morning my ice chewing is out of control. i think it's just fine. two: orange juice. i probably consume a gallon of simply orange orange juice in less than eight days. and three: the smell of my basement....and e-free church. kid. you. not. i know, i know. weird and probably to some of you, gross. but if a trip to the basement is all i need to have a happy attitude then i have never been more eager to do laundry in my life. 

i hope you were able to follow along at least a little bit. I apologize if it jumbled and you lost interest. it would have been better with photos...

i'll take an emotional roller coster with a side of hot mess, please.

as a mother, i want nothing but the very best for my children. i'm not sure i know a mother who doesn't feel like that. we want our kids to grow healthy and happy and have every chance at every opportunity in life. we want their lives to be better than our own and try our hardest to make sure that happens.  so when circumstances sort of spiral out of control and we can't fix things, like they have for me, lately, what's a mama to do. to feel. to respond.

i received a call from the genetic counselor at our perinatal clinic last tuesday. she left a message simply saying she had the results of our verified test and to give her a call at the clinic, or if she wasn't there, she left her cell number...yeah, not a great sign. when we received the positive news regarding the trisomies 13, 18 and 21 the nurse who called told me the results in a voice message.  seeing as how this was not a nurse calling, but the genetic counselor, i knew.  so i called her back and she confirmed my suspicions. our daughter has turner syndrome. after i got off the phone with her, i sat at our dining room table for a few minutes staring at the wall, trying to absorb this information. i knew jeff was on his way home, so i sent him a quick text saying i had news, but wanted to tell him in person.  and then the tears came.   a few minutes later jeff came flying through the door searching my face for an answer.  all i could manage to blurt out was 'she has turner syndrome,' and the lump in my throat took over and i couldn't do anything but sit and weep.

from last tuesday until yesterday afternoon i was a hot mess. anxiety set in once again and i couldn't bring myself to buy my sweet little girl anything more. no clothes, no blankets, nothing. i couldn't allow myself to get any more attached than i already was. i wanted to protect myself the only way i knew how from the worst possible scenario.  i had already pictured her in the outfits we've bought and it was like a knife in my heart to think she may never wear those. i knew from the reading i had done that the majority of turner syndrome girls have heart defects, and what's more is the majority don't make it to term. there's also the physical drawbacks and i was grieving those possibilities as well.

yesterday afternoon we had another ultrasound. i wasn't as nervous or anxious before this one as i had been in the past, and i'm not entirely sure why, other than maybe i was expecting the worst.  it was kind of a big deal seeing as they were doing a fetal echocardiogram...taking a detailed look at her heart to check for any defects.

i sat on the table as the tech squirted the warm jelly onto my stomach, staring at the t.v. screen in front of me.  i wanted to see her. badly.  i wanted to see her heart beating, to see her wiggling around doing her dance routine. i longed to see her little face. and she did not disappoint.  she is the stinking cutest little girl i have ever seen in my life. ever.  her profile is beautiful.  her legs are perfect. her feet are needing some attention from my lips.  i am completely smitten with her.  yes, she still has the hygroma, and yes there is some fluid around her skull. but her heart is in perfect condition. perfect. condition. there is no fluid internally, either, which is amazing.  she seems to be a perfectly healthy sweet little babe, aside from her diagnosis.  enter big sigh of relief.

when our tech was done she left to show the results to the doctor. a few minutes later doctor mandsager, our tech, and two students (what?) walked through the door to do another scan and talk about the results.  wasn't expecting to see students, but it makes sense seeing as how we're a pretty rare case in pregnancy world.  doctor mandsager told us that her heart seemed to be just fine. we're not out of the woods yet, but he is reasonably optimistic for a good outcome. meaning, baby girl has a better chance (70-80%) of making it than not.  enter second big sigh of relief.  we need to continue to monitor the fluid around her skull and the hygroma, but both jeff and i could tell a big difference in his attitude -more positive- since our last ultrasound...which was only three weeks prior.  we talked a little about turner syndrome and what that typically looks like. unfortunately our little girl will not be able to have children biologically and that hurts both jeff and i.  yes, there's always adoption, and maybe that's where god will lead her. but the fact still sucks. she will be shorter than most, although i've done some reading suggesting to start a growth hormone around the age of four, and by doing so she'd have a pretty good chance at attaining an average height. if we didn't do that, she could very well be four and a half feet tall. and then around the age of thirteen she would start estrogen.  this is all very case based, so it may look different once she's finally here, but it gives us an idea.  and at our next appointment we will talk with the genetic counselor who will most likely be able to give us more information and answers....i hope.

after leaving the clinic, jeff and i went to have some lunch and all i could think about is how happy i was. i finally felt she was going to be okay.  tears pooled my eyes as i ate and looked at her photo.  we talked about how much it hurts us she won't have her own children (biologically), but how thankful we are she is a fighter. i also mentioned how wonderful it will be to tell her someday that she was very sick and the odds were against her, but god performed a miracle, and she is here for a reason.

needless to say, since the very beginning of this pregnancy...well, i guess since our first prenatal appointment, there has been every emotion invented running around in my head. i have felt every single one of them. my poor family. but more on that in another post.

thanks for checking in on us.  i'll leave you with a couple photos.

21 weeks

baby update and a belly photo...finally

i realize it's been over a week since our last ultrasound and i'm so sorry i haven't updated the results here on the blog.  jeff's computer finally died after six years and so he's been using mine until he get's a new one. plus i've been preoccupied with two little busy boys.  

so last friday, the 14th, we headed to our appointment. both jeff and i were nervous about what we were going to see. when we arrived at the clinic there wasn't much of a wait, thank goodness. they took us back to the ultrasound room (which, is it me or are those rooms always the coldest!), and got right to work. i love how there's no dilly dallying.  as soon as Baby came onto the screen we could still see the hygroma. the great news is it didn't appear to have gotten bigger!  both jeff and i were so relieved at that. our technician did a bunch more measurements and looked at the heart a little bit and from what our doctor told us it looks good so far, though they couldn't see very much since it was so small.  we also confirmed that we are having a sweet little girl!  roman has been wanting a girl all a long and, frankly, viggo is too young to care, though he does love babies.  jeff and i are excited to welcome a daughter into this world. sheesh...what's THAT like? :)

after the ultrasound, the doctor came in and told us a little information.  it appears that the swelling around her body is almost gone (yay!) and the cystic hygroma appears to be softer or squishier than it did before. now, he didn't say this, and i didn't think to ask in the moment, but our assumption is that it her lymphatic system appears to be correcting itself and the fluid around her body, and possibly the hygroma, is beginning to resolve.  Q the choir! we left feeling optimistic. something we haven't felt in a long time.  

God is performing a miracle right in front of us and it is so amazing.  so this is all good news, yes, but there is technically still a possibility things could go wrong.  i have another ultrasound on october fifth to look more detailed at her heart and see how it has formed and if there are any defects within it.  we're also waiting on the results to determine if Baby girl has turner syndrome, which, i'm hoping we get that news tomorrow. if she doesn't that would give her better odds at a good outcome. but even is she does have it, it's one of the more manageable syndromes out there, as far as i know. 

with our good news, i've finally allowed myself to celebrate a bit. after our appointment we went and bought her a sweet little outfit from gap...and i haven't been able to stop since. i'm in trouble. 

 i guess that's all for now!

oh, and yes, we do have her name picked out, and no, we won't be telling you. ;)

here we are at 19 weeks...in the mall bathroom. 

xo

doing a happy dance.

i literally just got off the phone with jeff, holding back tears of joy. and right before that with our doctors. the blood test i had done last week not only came back sooner than we expected it to, but had even better news to share.  the words, "hi sarah, your blood work came back negative for trisomy 13, 18, and 21" are the best words i have heard since the beginning of the month.  this in and of itself is God's doing.  We praise Him for this wonderful news, and we thank every one of you who have been diligently praying for us and this sweet baby. and encourage you to keep on praying.  

there's still a chance (if we're having a girl) that baby could have monosomy x- turner syndrome. they didn't order that test with the others so all the blood sample has been used.  this means i have to wait until our next appointment to have more blood drawn, which, given the hope of today's news, i'm okay with waiting for now. and to put the cherry on top, they were able to move my next ultrasound up from september 19th to the 14th!  so five days sooner to have a detailed ultrasound to see how baby's heart and other organs are doing and to monitor the hygroma and hydrops. 

what we are praying happens is baby's lymphatic system corrects itself before his/her heart gives out.  these next few weeks are crucial to that.  if by twenty weeks (i'm sixteen weeks today) all fluid has resolved and the cystic hygroma has, at least, shrunk in size, this baby has a great chance at a normal outcome.  

keep praying!! He's listening!

the appointment.

i had been anxiously awaiting our appointment since it was scheduled. i called three days in a row and then once more to see if we could get in earlier than the original date given to us. luckily, after day two of checking there had been an opening for a whole week earlier. enter august twenty second, two thousand twelve.

the morning passed by incredibly slow on wednesday. i found myself counting down the hours and not exactly on top of my mom-game. finally the time came to leave. good thing we were late because so was the clinic. after filling all the paperwork out we waited another 25 minutes before the ultrasound.  once we got settled into the ultrasound room, the tech got to work.  it was clear to me as soon as we could see our sweet baby on the screen that the cystic hygroma was enormous. it appeared to be the same size as baby's head. i don't know if it was really that big, but goodness, it had definitely not gotten smaller. the fluid around baby's body was also still there. that's called hydrops.  essentially it's edema and it could be occurring anywhere in baby's body. in the liver, heart, pancreas, lungs etc. i expressed my shock at the size of the hygroma and asked the tech if she thought it was huge as well, to which she replied, "it's pretty big."  she finished up doing what she needed to and went to get the dr. hwang (who was amazingly gentle and sweet). he came in and looked at the baby himself on the ultrasound machine.  we learned from him that the cystic hygroma is septated, which means that there are pockets within it. this means the increase for chromosomal error goes up by 70 percent. dr. hwang also said two things that ring in our ears every day: "your baby is sick" and "this is very concerning."  i think jeff and i were in such shock that it was still there we forgot most of our questions for him, and believe me, we have a bajillion of them.  we talked a bit about an amniocentesis or a cvs as possibilities for discovering chromosome anomalies, and i had prepared for maybe having an amnio done, but he would have wanted to do a cvs since i was too early for the other.  i hadn't done much researching on a cvs procedure and what is all involved, but i knew it was just as invasive as an amniocentesis. i was feeling anxious about it all until dr. hwang told us about a brand spanking new way of going about getting the same results as the other two options.  neither jeff nor i can remember what it's called, but all they had to do was take my blood and they can somehow figure out baby's chromosomes and any errors.  a blessing from god right there.

after concluding with dr. hwang, having the overall feeling of 'this is not going to turn out well,' we headed into a room to have my blood drawn and then we were able to head home.  another ultrasound and fetal echocardiogram are scheduled in a month, and in two weeks i head to mcfarland clinic for a routine appointment- but mainly to see if baby's heart is still beating.  i'll be seen every two weeks, with an ultrasound done every month until one of two things happen. either i make it to term and have this baby or i don't. we are trying to prepare for the latter...if you can even prepare for something like that.

i don't mean to sound morbid or pessimistic or as though i don't think god can perform a miracle, but this is a borderline severe case, according to our doctor.  hydrops alone carries the risk of miscarriage between 60-90%.  this baby could easily go into heart failure from trying to feed the fluid around it's body and the hygroma on top of supplying enough to each organ for normal growth.   the odds are stacked up against our little peanut. a septated cystic hygroma only happens in about 1 in 285. that's less than one percent.  we already know from the cystic hygroma that baby's lymphatic system has an error in it, otherwise fluid would not be backing up. we're not sure how baby's heart is holding up at this point, but it was strong at our appointment.

i'm sure you are wondering how i'm doing. heart broken, distracted, and constant worrying are all a part of daily life.  i've done plenty of crying and continue to have my moments from time to time.  it's a difficult task grieving this news and keeping life normal for our boys.  simply put, life is overwhelming.  it's hard to find motivation to do simple household tasks. the rest of this pregnancy, however long it lasts, will go by much slower. anticipating every appointment, hoping and praying for a heart to keep beating. for our baby to keep fighting.  we appreciate all of you who continue to lift us up in prayer.

unexpected news.

to process everything that has happened since last monday seems daunting.  all the unknowns that come with the unexpected diagnosis of our unborn baby is overwhelming. google can either be your worst enemy or best friend in this kind of situation.

there is something called cystic hygroma. i've never heard of it until now, never read so much on it until now and never worried about the baby in my belly more until now.  when i envision this little person, i picture the perfection of my boys at their births. their smooth pink skin, perfect wrinkly feet, long lean bodies (that quickly plumped all the way up by two months), their beautiful cries,and alert round eyes. healthy.  but i now know that this sweet thing growing inside of me will be different. he or she will probably not look like my boys did. he or she will most likely have lots of medical needs.  a growth on his or her neck could mean  Down syndrome or Turner syndrome, heart defects, surgery after birth, and, i'm sure, a whole host of other things we're unaware of.  we're not sure the extent of things yet. it could even dissolve by twenty weeks. it's a small glimmer of hope, but hope nonetheless.

you never think something like this will happen to you. especially after losing a baby not long before.  sure you hear about it happening to other people, even those close to you. but not you. it's a lot to take in in a short amount of time.

two weeks ago we had our first prenatal appointment.  our midwife couldn't detect a heartbeat with her doppler so we had a quick ultrasound which confirmed that, yes, there is a life inside of me.  the doctor who did the ultrasound (not a tech) thought he noticed some fluid behind the neck of the baby so he wanted us to have a legit u/s done the next monday.  during that appointment it was confirmed that baby had a cystic hygroma on the back of it's neck and also a little fluid around the ribcage. we are headed to the specialists in des moines this wednesday for a more detailed ultrasound.  and that's where we're at.  prayers are greatly coveted.

in other news. roman really wants baby to be a sister (not a girl, a sister). he's already in love with it.  when we told him it might be another brother he said, 'i don't want another brother.' which makes me giggle. it seems as though he just wants a little sister to love and protect. so sweet that boy is.  love him.

dreaming of february

we are thrilled!!

the fourth.

we had a fun fourth! the day began with free pancakes and fun downtown, followed by the parade where we met spiderman (!), then home for naps, and an evening at mimi's house where viggo practiced his cartwheels and roman raced through the sprinkler. we were too tired to stay up for fireworks. even forgot to do sparklers. oh well. next year! 

finally, an udpdate!

oh my friends, i'm sorry for my lack of writing the last few months. there has been a ton that has happened in that time and all i can think to do is give you a brief update. but first, let me tell you something. on my keyboard, the letter 'p' takes an extra effort to get to work, and dude, it's annoying. and now you know.

anyway.

texas.
 we headed to texas at the end of may to visit one of my favorite friends.  we stayed with erika and her sweet family for five days and it was so refreshing for my soul. we hadn't seen each other in two years and i am so thankful to jeff for letting us take a trip to see her. the boys did amazing on the flight to and from (coming home our flight left at 7:15, so we had to get everyone in the car by 4:30am!), as well as adjusting to new a sleeping environment and different schedule.  there were a few days where they didn't get naps at all, but that's what vacation is all about, right? we had such a great time. pictures to come.

a couple new pets.
a week or so after we came home from texas the boys and i went to the berry patch farm with some friends of ours. we picked ten pounds of strawberries. this was no easy task since i had two helpful eaters, rather than pickers. on our way home we spotted a turtle crossing the gravel road. so we did what any sensible person would do. we pulled over and adopted it. roman promptly named it frisbee and we took it home. turns our frisbee was an aquatic turtle and mama didn't want to mess with that kind of habitat so we swapped it for a box turtle, who was also named frisbee. well, let me tell you, i can kill a turtle. totally unintentional, of course, but frisbee didn't eat anything or drink much of what we gave him so he took a turn for the worst. we had planned on getting another one, but roman and i went on a date to the ark -is favorite place ever, and we came home with a mini lop eared rabbit. it took about a week to name him, but we landed on the name first name- scooter, middle name- racer. . he's adorable.

our backyard no longer sucks.
my dad was so gracious and bought the boys a swing-set. it's a nice wood one with a curvy slide and all. the boys adore it, and i now am not ashamed of how lame my backyard is. so thanks, papa!

a birthday, or two.
jeff's birthday is tomorrow! and  he's taking me somewhere for his birthday. how sweet is that? he won't tell me where we're going or what we're doing, but i do need an overnight bag. so. excited. and less than a month later we celebrate viggo's second birthday. it is the weirdest feeling because i swear he just had his first one. i've been procrastinating planning due to disbelief, but here's a clue- think 'down on the farm.'

now if you'll excuse me, there's a large load of clean laundry calling my name.
xo

one windy evening.

we had graduation open houses this weekend and at this particular one, out in the country, our hair was going all over the place.  thanks, husband, for such a great photo.

life, according to my iphone

if you've traveled with small kids, i need you now

in a little over a month my men and i will embark on the longest road trip three out of four of us have been on. we are headed to see my sweet friend and her adorable family in texas.  it's over seven hundred miles from here to there.

jeff and i took roman to nashville when he was a little over a year and he did wonderfully.  we made it there in a little over thirteen hours, if i remember right. now that we have a three year old and a one and a half year old {who is not one for long car trips} i think it's going to require a little more planning and creativity this time around.

to be quite honest, i'm freaking out a little worried with how viggo will handle his time confined in the car.  of course we plan on activities for them, but....what.  i've been all over pinterest trying to gather ideas, but what it comes down to is viggo is not a good traveler. not even a little.  he gets super antsy and simply refuses to sleep in his car seat.  for example:  several months back i had to, last minute, take the boys to spirit lake for my great uncle's funeral.  we left around 8:30am and my hope was that viggo would nap for some of the three + hour drive up there.  he fell asleep for ten minutes. TEN MINUTES.  didn't nap at all during the day and when we left to come home he slept for less than an hour.  i cannot go through this all the way to texas.  the flexible side of me thinks he'll just need to figure it out and let sleep happen. but the controlling side of me feels the need to find some sort of solution for this could-be-stressful time in the car.

I've also briefly entertained the thought driving at night, but again, that controlling side just doesn't know how that would go.

this is where you come in!

if you are experienced in traveling long distances with small children with one of those kids not liking travel much, i am begging you for your advice, tips and tricks.  

according to roman

While 'playing toys' with Jeff -

R: you go to jail and I'll go to Jesus!

*****

Sitting on the coffee table having some grapes

R: {farts}

Me: {makes a face}

R: that was just my fart, mom. Don't worry about it.

*****

J: remember that time I burped in your mouth?

R: yeah. that was so gross!!! (covering his mouth with his hands)

*****

Roman's been really into his Dada lately. he gets so sad when Jeff leaves to go anywhere. on this particular day Jeff was leaving our house from his lunch break.

R: NOOOOOO!!!!! I want you to hug me!!!!!! (half crying)

J: comes in and snuggles his boy

R: I want to keep you forever!

J: I want to keep you forever!

R: we want to keep each other forever. can you tell me a story?

*****

roman and jeff go back and forth several times a day telling each other pretend stories. it's adorable and is totally their bonding time. i love it so.