unexpected news.

to process everything that has happened since last monday seems daunting.  all the unknowns that come with the unexpected diagnosis of our unborn baby is overwhelming. google can either be your worst enemy or best friend in this kind of situation.

there is something called cystic hygroma. i've never heard of it until now, never read so much on it until now and never worried about the baby in my belly more until now.  when i envision this little person, i picture the perfection of my boys at their births. their smooth pink skin, perfect wrinkly feet, long lean bodies (that quickly plumped all the way up by two months), their beautiful cries,and alert round eyes. healthy.  but i now know that this sweet thing growing inside of me will be different. he or she will probably not look like my boys did. he or she will most likely have lots of medical needs.  a growth on his or her neck could mean  Down syndrome or Turner syndrome, heart defects, surgery after birth, and, i'm sure, a whole host of other things we're unaware of.  we're not sure the extent of things yet. it could even dissolve by twenty weeks. it's a small glimmer of hope, but hope nonetheless.

you never think something like this will happen to you. especially after losing a baby not long before.  sure you hear about it happening to other people, even those close to you. but not you. it's a lot to take in in a short amount of time.

two weeks ago we had our first prenatal appointment.  our midwife couldn't detect a heartbeat with her doppler so we had a quick ultrasound which confirmed that, yes, there is a life inside of me.  the doctor who did the ultrasound (not a tech) thought he noticed some fluid behind the neck of the baby so he wanted us to have a legit u/s done the next monday.  during that appointment it was confirmed that baby had a cystic hygroma on the back of it's neck and also a little fluid around the ribcage. we are headed to the specialists in des moines this wednesday for a more detailed ultrasound.  and that's where we're at.  prayers are greatly coveted.

in other news. roman really wants baby to be a sister (not a girl, a sister). he's already in love with it.  when we told him it might be another brother he said, 'i don't want another brother.' which makes me giggle. it seems as though he just wants a little sister to love and protect. so sweet that boy is.  love him.